PARENT THE BRAIN, NOT THE BEHAVIOR

One of the greatest things the gift of Autism has given us is an excuse to celebrate EVERYTHING! We are constantly praising and rewarding good choices to encourage Miles to repeat that behavior. We do this to keep his brain calm so learning can continue. The cool thing is the things we learn to help our child with Autism are things are are true and beneficial to all children.

All of our interaction with Miles are intentional because we are doing everything we can to NOT trigger the survival part of his brain. You see, there is a part of the brain in the Limbic area called the Amygdala and it is constantly taking in data (words, facial expressions, tone of voice, environment, etc.) to measure threat or danger. If something appears to be a threat, it signals the brain stem to activate the flight/fight/freeze response which, in turn, activates the adrenal glands to release adrenaline. That system was brilliantly designed by our Creator and is essential in assessing threats and staying safe. But, if a person has experienced trauma, that system can work a little TOO good and it can trigger a response that doesn't SEEM to match the situation. But if it triggers them it is REAL to them.

The challenge is that when that part of the brain is triggered and the adrenaline floods through the blood stream, the prefrontal cortex can't do it's job, which is to focus on executive functions like logic, reasoning, self control, decision making, impulse control, adjusting behavior, etc. So, when Miles is triggered, it takes 45 minutes for his brain and body to calm down and his prefrontal cortex to reengage. Which means, no amount of talking, reasoning, or discipline will help and no learning can happen. But, that is not just true with Miles, it's true for all humans.

Learning what triggers Miles is essential to his learning and success because at the end of the day, it's not Miles' job to not get triggered, it's our job to learn Miles so we can protect his brain and body from the affects of being triggered. Which means, we have had to learn to be mindful of our tone of voice, our facial expressions, our use of words, and the way we react and respond.

One way we practice positive reinforcement is with a little clipboard, some velcro, and a few bottle caps. We have used this for everything from learning to stick together in public, sitting at the dinner table, picking up toys, putting something in the trash or sink, playing quietly with toys, using words, etc. The options are literally endless. One thing that helps Miles is when we tell him what we want him to do instead of what not to do. For example, instead of 'don't stand on the couch' we say 'sit on your bottom.' I use this to highlight the behaviors that he does that I want to reinforce. If I walk in the living room and Miles is sitting on the couch (instead of jumping or standing), I will say 'good sitting on the couch on your bottom!' and then move a cap from the back to the front. If that is a behavior that we are intentionally working on, I will stay close and say the same thing every couple of minutes until all ten caps are moved and then give him whatever the prize he was working for then we would start over. The more we work on a certain behavior and the more he gets it, we extend the time in between being awarded a bottle cap and eventually we just move to celebrating the good behavior when we see it.

It is so amazing what a constant flow of positive reinforcement does to a child. You are not only gifting them with the opportunity to feel proud of themselves for little things and big things all day long, but you are also rewiring their brains and making the connections and pathways stronger, which makes it easier for them to repeat the positive behavior. And when you pair that with trying to keep their brain calm, learning happens at much faster pace.

The great thing is you don't have to be a neurologist to be a good parent. Your child was "fearfully and wonderfully made" by a loving God who "knows the plans HE has for them." Our job is to partner with HIM to know how to train up our children. Children are a temporary assignment, they are arrows to be sharpened and launched out into the world to live out their unique purpose.

SO.MANY.WORDS.

The gift of Autism has taught us so much about the brain and how it operates.  One of the many helpful things I've learned over the last several years is that some people are EXTERNAL processors and others are INTERNAL processors.

EXTERNAL processors are people that often think and talk everything out loud with others listening and supporting as they do so.  In order to understand how they feel about something, they prefer to talk it out with someone else.  INTERNAL processors process their feelings and thoughts internally first before expressing them out loud.  They are more likely to turn inward to get clarity, rather than outward to the people in their life.

Neither way is right or wrong... just different.  Keith and Alex are both EXTERNAL processors.  They talk A LOT!  Alex Harmon just finished his freshman year of college and, although he didn't come home often, he called me about 4-5 times a day.  To talk.  About nothing.  So.Many.Words.  Over the years, I've just learned to appreciate the way his brain is wired and decided if he is going to invite me to listen to every thought he has, then I will use that information to know how to pray for him and guide him.

Well, Alex moved out of the dorm and back home for the summer, which means, LOTS AND LOTS OF WORDS!!!  He literally wakes up in mid conversation and is content to follow me around the house talking about, well, EVERYTHING.  I didn't think about how the extra talking would affect Miles or if he even noticed a difference... until yesterday.  I came upstairs and walked into the living room where Miles was sitting.  Alex was following me and talking, as usual.  Miles, with two iPads going and wearing noise cancelling headphones, looked up at Alex and said, “TURN MOUTH OFF.”  Simple. Direct. And to the point.

MOTHER'S DAY

The one behind the camera made me a mom and made life fun.  The one in my arms made me wrestle with my role as a mom and forced me to declare war on the person in the mirror.  The fun, the hard, the good, the bad... it is all worth it.  These boys are amazing and I never want to be the me before them.

CIRCA 1987

Keith switched elementary schools in 5th grade and became best friends with a boy that lived down the street from me.  Every day after school, when my friend Brooke and I were outside playing, Keith and Chad went up and down the street trying to get our attention. Sometimes that meant riding their bikes, making sure to do a cool trick as they passed us.  Othertimes, they would play loudly in Chad's front yard, making sure we knew they were there.  But if Brooke and I were playing basketball in her driveway, they would walk up and down the sidewalk bouncing a basketball, waiting for an invitation to play H-O-R-S-E.

Keith would repeat this attention-getting ritual off an on over the next several years because he already decided he was going to marry me.  His woo-ing skills were similar to that of a red-capped manakin and although annoying at the time, it was always entertaining.  I'm so grateful that Keith didn't give up on his pursuit of me, but I'm even more grateful that a Holy, Righteous God would actively pursue stubborn, sinful me.

Single ladies, don't give in to someone who isn't willing to display the character of God to you, someone who isn't willing to actively pursue you and prove that you can trust him with your heart.  You want someone to protect your heart and make your emotional and physical purity a priority.  If he isn't willing to "guard and keep" you before getting married, it is not likely that he will willing to step into that role in the future. 

"Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it." {Proverbs 4:23}

FROM ONE MOM TO THE OTHER

Dear Firkirte-  I wish you could experience the pure joy that radiates from your Misikir.  His love of life makes everyone around him smile.  We met with his school yesterday to make plans for next year.  Oh how I wish you could have been there.  I wish you could see each of their faces when they talk about Miles Misikir.  They work so hard to help him succeed in every environment he is placed in.  They have plans for next year to help him grow and achieve the success they know he is capable of.  They are committed to find ways to measure the greatness that we all see inside him and are even willing to get special training to do so.  They love him so big and I know your mama heart would be as blessed as mine.

We also took him to a new dentist yesterday and it made me think of you.  I filled out all the paperwork online, answering pages of questions, and had to submit them knowing they weren't correct.  I hate answering questions about family history and not having the space to explain that his history can not be answered in yes and no questions.  I answered all the questions hoping for an "additional comments" box so I could tell them that he has a family history that is separate from mine.  I can tell them about Miles, but I also need space to tell them about your Misikir.  The two can't be separated.

Ten years ago, you were pregnant with Misikir.  The gap between the last time you held him in your arms and the first time he was placed in mine was only eight months long, but it marked him in a way that we we are still very aware of it.  We often live in that space and work hard everyday to close it, but there will always be a part of the gap that stays open for you.  And we are ok with that.  I pray that when you remember your time with your Misikir, it fills you with the same amount of love and joy that Miles gives us.

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

And whenever I mention you in my prayers, it makes me happy."

{Philippians 1:3-4}

IN BEGINNING...

B'reshit... בראשית
It means "in beginning."

It's not only the first word in the Bible, but it's a word that tells a story.  Before God created, a plan of redemption was already in place.  Before Elohim (which is a plural noun) prepared the world for humanity, Jesus' death on the Cross was already decided... and yet they still created.

You and I.  We were born with a spiritual disability called sin.  But Jesus.  He conquered sin and death so that we could be set free. 

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son.

And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him."

{John 3:16-18}

PETER. JESUS. THE DO-OVER.

Grace. It means kindness + favor.  It implies reaching, inclining, extension/leaning toward. What a beautiful word picture.  [Holy and righteous] God reaching for and leaning toward [sinful and selfish] us for the purpose of pouring out His kindness and favor and freely giving Himself away to us.  Grace is never about us.  Grace is never something we deserve.  Grace speaks to the character of the person who is doing the reaching, the leaning, the extending.

God is so gracious to go before us and model how to lovingly and forgivingly restore someone by extending grace, by offering a do-over.  One of my favorite pictures of grace happens around the warmth of an open fire.

There is only mention of two charcoal fires in all of the Bible.  John 18 begins with Jesus and the boys entering a garden in the Kidron Valley where they were met by a group of soldiers and officers with lanterns, torches and weapons.  Jesus was betrayed, arrested, bound, and taken into the court of the High Priest.

Peter [and another disciple] followed Jesus to the courtyard.  If you and I stick close to Peter, we see him walk past a servant-girl at the gate who says to him, “Aren’t you one of this man’s disciples?”  Peter denied it.  He made his way over to the charcoal fire that the servants and guards had built to warm themselves.  While he was standing with them, he was asked again, “Aren’t you one of the followers of that man?”  Peter denied it a second time.  One of the servants spoke up and said, “I think I saw you with him in the garden!” Peter screams for the third and last time “NO, I WAS NOT WITH HIM!”

[insert rooster crow]

What do you think Peter felt in that instance?  I bet Jesus' words from earlier that evening come flooding back, “will you really give your life for me, [Peter]?  The truth is, before the rooster crows, you will say three times that you don’t know me.”

Peter, standing by a charcoal fire on a cold night, confused and scared.  People are all around, talking, whispering, yelling. Jesus is being questioned. Jesus is being hit. I’m sure Peter's mind was racing, trying to make sense of what is happening. The smell of smoke invades his senses. It's in the air, in his clothes, on his skin, and in his hair. But the moment he hears the rooster crow, I imagine his heart skipping a beat, his ears going deaf to the sounds around him, his eyes looking up and making eye contact with Jesus.

Did you know that Jesus changed Peter's name?  His new name gave him a new purpose.  It allowed Simon to see himself the way Jesus saw him.  He was no longer Simon, but instead Peter, which means rock.

As the rooster crows and the sun begins to rise, the smoke of the charcoal fire falls on Peter like a blanket of fear, guilt and shame.  Luke tells us that Peter ran out of the courtyard weeping uncontrollably. In that moment, Peter wasn't the unmovable rock he thought he was and it rocked him to the core.

As the day went on, Jesus is beaten beyond recognition and crucified on a cross.  He is dead and buried before sunset.  Peter never got to say sorry.  Never got to say goodbye.

So much happens from the time Jesus was buried to the only other mention of a charcoal fire.  So, if we jump ahead several days [possibly weeks] and travel 112 miles North to the Sea of Galilee, we find Peter and six other disciples fishing near Tiberias.  They were out all night and caught nothing.  A man standing on the shore and says to them, "do you have any fish?"  After yelling back "no", the man said to them, "cast the net on the right side of the boat..."

The Bible tells us that as soon as John told Peter the man on the shore is Jesus, Peter "threw himself into the sea."  This is the first time he has seen Jesus since he denied him and he can not get to Him quick enough.

NERD ALERT: In this part of the story, the Bible tells us they caught 153 fish. Why tell us how many? What does it mean? Well, without boring you with talk of numbers, Hebrew letters, gematria, etc., just know that "ANI ELOHIM" means "I AM GOD" and when you add the letters up it equals 153.

Jesus invites the disciples to breakfast and they all make their way to the charcoal fire  that was already in place.  Can you hear that?  If I'm not mistaken, that is the sound of Peter's heart pounding out of his chest.  This feels uncomfortably familiar.  As he sits down, the warmth of the fire feels suffocating.  The distinct smell the charcoal fire triggers so many unresolved, unsettled emotions in Peter's heart.

When they finished breakfast, the conversation quieted.  Jesus addressed Peter saying, "Simon, son of John,..." [Simon. He called him Simon. That is Peter's old name. His old identity. Jesus has Peter's full attention.] "...do you love me more than these?"

"Yes, Lord," Peter replies, "you know I love you!"  Jesus repeated the question, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"  "Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I love you!"  For the third time, Jesus asks Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"  A very hurt, deeply grieved Peter replied, "Lord, you know everything. You know I love you."

Peter was certain he was ready to die for Jesus, but instead he denied knowing Him, not once, not twice, but three times in one night.  Jesus saw his hurt and pain and gave him a do-over.  The smell of a charcoal fire would no longer trigger guilt and shame, but instead would served as a beautiful reminder of the redemptive love of Jesus.  The three denials no longer defined his lack of commitment to Jesus because the opportunity to declare his love and affection for Jesus reminded him of the solid, stable rock that Jesus knew he would be.

Grace.  It was never about Peter.  Grace wasn't something he deserved.  The unsolicited gift of grace spoke to the character of Jesus.

Jesus. 

The cross. The ultimate do-over.

The ultimate act of love, kindness and grace.

God has been reaching, inclining, leaning towards humans from the moment sin entered the world.  This Easter weekend, don't let fear, guilt and shame cover you like the smoke of a charcoal fire.  Allow God to redeem your hurts and pain.  Allow God to redefine the hard moments in your life and speak the truth of who He knows you to be.  Allow God to grace you. Jesus is already reaching, inclining, leaning towards you... just lean in, rest your face in let His nail scared hands, and let Him tell you how much He adores you.  He is so crazy in love with you and there is nothing you do can change that. NOTHING!