A PLACE OF GRACE

Six years ago, our little family of three stepped on an airplane and took our seats.

Exhausted. Confused. Disappointed. Overwhelmed. Emotional.

The specific details of that day are here, but basically,

it was a travel day from hell.

Fog shut down two of the airports we were flying out of and snow shut down the cities we were flying into.  We booked new flights only to have them cancelled.  Our luggage went one place and we went another.  In a last ditch effort to catch our flight out of Washington DC, we flew to Baltimore, knowing that they only had one lane cleared throughout the city, and took a taxi to DC.

We were headed to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia with nothing more than our backpacks and carry-ons.  That day, that travel day from hell, was just the beginning and we would never again be the same.  We simply had no idea.

As I sit here, remembering that stressful day, I am just as tearful and just as tired.

I still get confused.

I still get disappointed.

I still get overwhelmed.

We flew home from Ethiopia with big dreams for our new family of four.

And we have spent the last six years grieving the loss of those dreams.

I never thought.  In the middle of this six year journey, when I was convinced God had made a massive mistake in choosing me to be Miles' mom, I never thought.  I never thought that God could redeem all the doubt, all the hurt, all the dark, all the pain.

Even though our circumstances haven't changed, in fact, in someways it's harder than ever, I am not the same.  To be in a place where you welcome hard and messy because you know that is where God dwells is such a beautifully place to be.
It is a place of grace.

I love the way Greg Lucas describes this exact idea in his book, Wrestling with an Angel: A Story of Love, Disability and the Lessons of Grace…

“My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while, He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him. ‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden.”

He goes on to say…

“Grace enables us to thrive in the presence of this world’s sufferings while magnifying the One who breaks us with affliction – that He might equip us with comfort, compassion, and strength to give others.”

God, in all of His wisdom, in all of His power, in all of His sovereignty,

used a little baby boy - born half way around the world, born to a different Mom, born with a disability - to help me to see how much He loves me and to help me internalize the life-changing truth that EVERYTHING I need I can find in Him.
EVERYTHING!

“His divine power has given us everything we need to experience life
and to reflect God’s true nature through the knowledge of
the One who called us by His glory and virtue.”

{2 Peter 1:3, VOICE}

Everything I need (love, acceptance, security, worth, approval, forgiveness, purpose, hope, intimacy, respect, etc.) is freely given to me in the person of Jesus Christ.

Think about that for a second.

What would it feel like to love and serve others without needing ANYTHING in return?  What would it look like to give all of yourself away without needing applause, approval, or acceptance?

Doesn’t that sound like true freedom?

Doesn't that make you want to throw on a kilt, paint your face blue and yell FREEDOM!

That is the true message of the Gospel!

That is the true message of Grace!

God gives God.
And when you get God, you get "everything you need to experience life and to reflect God's true nature..."

When you take your eyes off of Jesus, you are forced to look to others to meet all of your needs.  You love, serve, and give of yourself trying to satisfy that place that only Jesus can satisfy.  When others don't come through, you are left hurt, disappointed and empty.  But you keep trying.  Eventually, you become so dependent on everyone around you to give you what you need, it strains your relationships because it's never enough.  They are never enough.  Not only is that exhausting, it is the exact opposite of true freedom.

So I sit here today, six years into our new normal, praying that I can live daily in that place.  That place of freedom.  That place of grace.

Sweet Miles,
You're a gift I never would have asked for.
You're a gift I didn't know I would need.
You're a gift I thank God everyday for.
You're a gift I'm so humbled I received.

“Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out.  Is there anyone around who can explain God?  Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?  Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advise?  Everything comes from Him; Everything happens through Him; Everything ends up in Him.  Always glory! Always praise!

Yes. Yes. Yes.”
{Romans 11:33-36, MSG}

Raising Boys to Date Girls in an #AshleyMadison World

Boys.

I have two.
One in high school and one in kindergarten.

Ever since my high schooler was a kindergartner, we've had literally hundreds of conversations about girls. More specifically, girlfriends. Alex and I had our first serious talk about girlfriends when he was four years old. He has always liked girls. He never thought they had cooties and he was never embarrassed to play with them at recess.

When Alex was younger, one of my biggest pet peeves was hearing grown adults ask him, "do you have a girlfriend?" Most people think it's cute when little boys say they have a girlfriend. Or five girlfriends. But it has always irritated me.

I never let him answer that question. I always answered for him and my answer was always the same… "Alex isn't allowed to have a girlfriend. Relationships are very, very serious and his goal right now is to learn to be friends with girls and to learn to show them respect. But, one day." Even though I was saying it to the adult, I was saying it for the benefit of Alex. I wanted him to hear me say repeatedly that relationships were super important and the way we treat girls mattered.

You see, I am not at all against Alex having a girlfriend. But I am against leaving really important decisions like relationships between boys and girls for Alex to figure out by himself. I am against allowing him to ever think that having more than one girlfriend at a time is cute. I am against allowing him to feel like his identity is somehow wrapped up in if he has a girlfriend or not.

In our home, we have very open conversations. We always have. And after working with teenagers for the last 20+ years, I am shocked at how few parents talk to their kids about relationships, dating, purity, sex and marriage. Middle schoolers who still have to be reminded to use soap in the shower are often left to navigate boy/girl relationships with very little guidance from their parents. Does that seem weird to anyone but me?

I don't think there's a magic dating age.
I think it's different for every young person.

For Alex, we've told him that there are a couple of things we are watching for...

#1  We want to see him to actively pursuing a relationship with Jesus before he actively pursues the heart of a young lady. God made him for a specific purpose and if he is not careful, he will start worrying more about what his girlfriend wants/needs for him to be and forget all about who God is molding him to be.

#2  We want him to understand that for this season, his goal is to learn to be a protector of girls' hearts. He is to stand up for girls, not allow other boys to talk rude or inappropriate to them or around them, make sure he is being thoughtful of girls' emotions, and learn how to be good friends with a girl he likes.

When Alex decides he is ready to turn a friendship into a relationship, he can only do that after meeting with the young lady's Dad and/or Mom. *I realize right about now you are thanking God we are not your parents. Ha!* Our goal is not to be mean, I promise. Our goal is for Alex to use his brain and not act on his emotions. God has placed people in authority over this young girl's life and it is not a hormonal 16 year old boy. It is person, or people, who will stand before God one day and answer for they way they raised her. Alex needs to have a conversation with those people. He needs to look them in the eyes, tell them his intentions and commit to partnering with them to protect their daughter. If she is not the one he will end up marrying, she should be better off having Alex in her life for that season.

I'm not raising a 16 year old boy.
I am raising a man who will one day be the spiritual leader of his family.

A future husband.
A future daddy.
A world-changer.

My goal is not to teach Alex how to date, my goal is that Alex has a clear picture of what marriage is suppose to be. Dating is important because marriage is hard…and it's forever.

As I look back over the last 16 years, I am amazed at how God has protected Alex's heart and mind because we were willing to speak truth and bring to light all the hard topics. Satan is not going to wait until you are ready and feel comfortable talking about sex. In fact, he wants to fool you into thinking that keeping your kids in the dark will protect them. Well, he is a liar! Having many, many age-appropriate conversations that speak truth without shame protect your children on a deep, Spiritual level. It is time!

Their school is talking about it.
Their friends are talking about it.
The world is talking about it.
And the Bible has a lot to say about it.

It's time for every Jesus-loving family to understand the importance of talking to their children about sex and healthy sexuality. To talk about purity and dating.

Even if you didn't do it right.
Even if you messed up.

The truth of God's word gives life and hope. God has a way of redeeming our past and our mistakes and turning it into something beautiful. You can trust Him!   

"I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never live in darkness.

They will have the light that gives life."

{John 8:12}

Don't know where to start? The book, The Talks, is an amazing resource written by our dear friends, Barrett and Jenifer Johnson, and is a must have for every home. Also, Navigating a Hyper-Sexualized Culture and The Talk(s) are just two of many blog posts on their website that will encourage, equip, and challenge your most important relationships.

SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS: MY NOT-SO-HIDDEN TALENT

When Miles came home from Ethiopia, I noticed that people let their gaze linger a little longer than normal. At first, it was hard to get used to, but I quickly discovered that our obvious differences was an open invitation to talk about Jesus.

You see, more often than not, curiosity wins.
People have to ask.

I've been asked questions like…
"Is he yours?"
"Is he adopted?"
"How much did he cost?"
"Where is he from?"
"Why did you adopt from Ethiopia?"
"Aren't there a lot of children in the U.S. that need to be adopted?"
"Are you his REAL mom?"
"Did you birth him?"

When people ask questions, they often ask right in front of Miles. So from the moment we got home, my hearts desire was to learn to answer questions in a way that makes Miles feel confident in his place in our family. I have grown to love that Miles gets to hear his story from my perspective over and over again.

Unfortunately, I don't always get it right.

After being home about two months, Miles and I were picking up a few things from our local home improvement store.  We were in line to check-out and the friendly lady working was talking to me about Miles.  She was going on and on about how beautiful he was and how she probably shouldn't say beautiful because he's a boy but he was so pretty and she just loved his lips and his eyes, wow, such pretty eyes they are just.so.gorgeous!

I just smiled because, well, I happened to agree with everything she was saying.

Then, at the end of her run-on sentence, she asked,"Does he have his Daddy's eyes?"

The question caught me off guard.
It was so matter of fact.
It was the first time someone assumed he was my biological son.

I looked up at her and without even thinking, and said,
"Oh, um, I don't know who the father is."

*nervous smile*

The look on her face.
It was sort of a mix between shock and confusion.
My reply was not the "help Miles feel confident and secure while telling the world about Jesus" answer I was going for.

So, in an effort to make the poor lady feel better and, at the same time, try to make myself sound a little less slutty than I inadvertently did, I quickly blurted out, "I don't know who his mother is either!"

*awkward silence*

Well crap! Now I sound like a kidnapper.

"HE'S ADOPTED! I NEVER GOT TO MEET HIS BIRTH PARENTS!  HE'S ADOPTED!"

Not many people have the amazing ability make a sweet, Southern Baptist preacher's wife sound like a slutty kidnapper in a matter of seconds. That, my friends, takes real talent.

Next time, Jackie.
You'll get 'em next time.

POTTY TRAINING: SAFETY HELMET REQUIRED

Potty training.
It's the worst.

We have spent the last several months getting Miles used to the bathroom, the idea of sitting on the potty, and observing his potty habits.  In the world of Autism, they call this desensitization and collecting data.  

Knowing it will take several months to master this new skill, we decided to start now in hopes that Miles will be fully trained before starting Kindergarten in the fall. *fingers crossed*

Potty training a child with Autism, zero self-care skills, and delayed receptive/expressive language skills is hard.  And hilarious!

Here are things I never thought I'd have to say to another human being...

"Don't put your head in the toilet."
"Oh dear, you gave yourself a swirly. Let mommy dry off your hair."
"Squeezing your penis like that won't make the pee come out."
"Hey buddy, sit up and don't lick the toilet."
"Please stand still. You just hit mommy in the face with your penis."

All actual phrases... said by me... this week... more than once.

After a week of potty training, Miles will pee pee in the potty when we take him, but will not initiate going on his own.  We knew that would be our biggest hurdle and may not be something he's capable of at this time.

But then again, maybe he's starting to come around.

Keith and I attended a class on Potty Training Children with Autism a couple of nights ago.  After class, we grabbed some dinner and went home to put Miles to bed.  I took Miles to the bathroom while Keith got his sleep medicine ready.  We decided to let him play a little bit before we put his pajamas on because, well, we ate Mexican food for dinner and we both had to... go.

After finishing up in the bathroom and changing into my pajamas, I went to find Miles to finish getting him ready for bed.  Keith, still occupying the front bathroom, yelled my name as I walked down the hall.  Stopping to see what he wanted, Keith tells me something I can only pray I never, ever have to say...

"Miles just walked into the bathroom, yelled 'POOP,' and threw a turd at me."
"The poop ball hit me in the chest, I trapped it with my arm and flushed it."
Then, in case I missed it the first time, he repeats, "HE HIT ME WITH A TURD!"

I laughed.  And laughed.  And laughed until I cried.

The irony.
Getting poop thrown at you while you are going poop.

It still makes me laugh every time I think about it.

That is not exactly the initiating we were looking for, but it does give me a glimmer of hope.  In a weird way, I am thankful that Miles made the connection that poo poo goes in the potty.  It is one gross step in the right direction.

Potty training.
It may be the worst but it has given us some of the best laughs!

And until further notice, if you need to use one of our bathrooms, please wear the provided safety helmet and watch out for flying balls of poop.

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CHILDREN: SUPERHEROES IN DISGUISE

There is a superhero inside each one of us.

A hero ready to unleash his/her power.

Take Clark Kent, for instance.

He is a mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet.

But his outward appearance has nothing to do with who he really is.

Underneath that starched button-down shirt and dark rimmed glasses is a superhero.

He's faster than a speeding bullet.

He's more powerful than a locomotive.

He's able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

He's Superman!

Would your parenting look any different if you saw your children through the lens of a future world changer or a superhero?  Want to know what the parent of a superhero looks like?  Look in the mirror.  There is greatness in our kids and as we love, train, and walk through life with them, we get to see little glimpses of their superpowers.

"We all have a hero in our heart."

{Dwight Schrute}

When I see Alex stick up for someone who is getting teased, I see a hero.

When I am told that he is respectful to adults, I see a hero.

When I watch him try and play with Miles, I see a hero.

Several weeks ago, I was told that a little boy in Miles' class at church started asking questions about why Miles is different.  Why Miles wears diapers.  The teacher told him that God made Miles special and that's when little Zach Rowe unleashed his superpower.  He asked if he could be Miles' special friend and, when he was told yes, he went over and very sweetly tried to play with Miles.  He is a hero.

Children with special needs have superpowers that don't look super to the untrained eye.  As their parents, we have the joy and privilege of seeing little glimpses of their special superpowers.  When they meet a new goal or accomplish even the smallest task, it's like they just saved the world from impending doom.

For example, when Miles comes home from school, his shirt is usually filthy.

It could be anything from dried yogurt, applesauce, spaghetti sauce or whatever was for lunch and snack that day.  Dribble some milk and juice down the front, then throw in a little marker and paint.  What you are left with looks like a complete mess.

You see, at 4 years old, Miles still struggles to use a spoon.  He forgets to hold it properly and food spills off.  He is also still trying to master drinking from an open cup and often forgets that he can't turn it sideways or upside down.

The me before Miles would have changed his shirt the minute we got home and I definitely would have not taken him to church wearing a dirty, crusty shirt.

But now, I proudly leave his shirt on because I don't see a dirty shirt.
I see learning.
I see hard work.
I see determination.
I see a superhero trying to reveal himself the best way he can.

Another area that is a struggle for Miles is his self-care skills.  He has been working on washing his hands everyday for the last two years.  With the use of picture cards, words, and assistance, it is still a struggle.  And yesterday, Miles followed a one step direction, walked to the sink and turned the water all by himself.  That sink has been his nemesis for the last two years and he kicked its booty!

I was one proud mama.
For the rest of the day, I told everyone I saw "my baby walked straight up to that sink and turned on that water!"  I was beside myself!  So proud!

My little superhero didn't give up.
He didn't run away.
He faced that challenge head on and showed that sink who's boss!

Most of us don't know what it's like to live in a world where using words to get basic needs met is a huge struggle. Or when you can't get your arms and legs to do what you want them to do, what they were designed to do.  These special superheroes live in bodies that have them locked up, making it difficult for others to see them for who they really are.  For who they were created to be.  They have the ability to do amazing things, but they are limited.  They have the same feelings, same emotions, same desires, same need for love and affection that each of us have, they are just trapped.

I was reminded this week that Jesus knows exactly what that feels like.  In week 10 of Beth Moore's A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place, she is teaching that Jesus is the true Tabernacle and had this to say...

"And the Word (Christ) became a human being and lived here on earth among us (John 1:14).  Can you imagine the excruciating transformation of going from having absolutely no limitations to being imprisoned inside about 170 pounds of human flesh?  How many times do you suppose He would have liked to burst out of that tent and to unleash His awesome power?  We have nothing with which to compare the confinement of omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God in flesh... His flesh was a temporary dwelling, a seemingly unfit place for God's Son to dwell...  His exterior did not seem to match His interior."

My eyes immediately filled with tears.
Jesus, God in flesh, knows EXACTLY what it's like to be locked up in a human body.
He understands how your child with special needs feels in a way that we never will.
Simply amazing and completely overwhelming!

God, give me eyes to see my boys, not as they are today, but as the superheroes You have created, designed, and purposed them to be.  Help me to love them, respond to them, train them and even discipline them in a way that gives them an accurate view of Your love and Your character.  Help me to not get in the way of Your work in their lives. I pray that all of my interactions with them will be filled with grace, love, and mercy.

You are enough for me, Jesus!

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LEARNING TO TRUST

When Miles came into our family, he didn't know us or trust us.

He had no idea how many hours we stared at his picture and memorized his face.

He had no idea how much we loved him and how long we prayed for him.

To us, he was our son.

To him, we were strangers.

When we brought Miles home, we started doing all the things we learned in our adoption training.  We went to him every time he cried (to give him back his voice), we didn't let anyone meet a basic need but us (to help him learn that we were different than every other adult), we held him, we rocked him, we played with him, and we loved on him.

As we continued to work on building a healthy bond with Miles, we noticed that he was still self-soothing.  Miles would lay on his back and shake his head violently back and forth to calm or comfort himself.  We had never seen anything like it.

As he got a little older, he stopped shaking his head and started seeking out hard surfaces to bang his head against.  He would crawl to the tile floor and head bang when he was mad, frustrated, hurt, told no, or sometimes for no reason at all.

Every time he would start banging his head, I would go comfort him.

I sat on the floor beside him, picked him up and patted him on the back.

And every time he would immediately bite me on the shoulder.

Miles and I did this little dance everyday.

And everyday, about 10-15 times a day, I got bit.

Comforting Miles was painful and I was struggling.

There were times during the day that I would see him crawl from the rug to the tile to bang his head and everything in me was screaming, 'I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE.'  I knew what was going to happen.  I was going to get bit.  There were other days when I would hesitate and just look at him and say to myself, 'I don't know that I love you enough to do this today.'

But how in the world will Miles ever know that his Heavenly Father is the source of all comfort if he can't trust me to comfort him?  There is going to come a day in his life that Jesus, only Jesus, will be able to comfort him.  And it was that very thought that kept me going back for more.

Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month,

Miles would self-soothe, I would comfort, I would get bit.

This went on for a little over 8 months.

Then one day, it happened.

It had been a rough morning and Miles was mad.  I saw him stand up and my heart sank because I just didn't think I had it in me.  The thought of getting bit made me want to burst into tears.  But to my surprise, he didn't walk to the cold, hard tile.  He walked over to me, and gently laid his little head on my lap and started patting my leg.

And he has been running to me ever since.

Every day. Every bite.

It was all worth it.

Even now, when I think back to how incredibly hard it was to live that day in and day out, I would do it over again and again.  My job was to be Jesus with skin on to a broken little boy who didn't trust anyone enough to allow them to comfort him.  I thought I was helping Miles learn to trust me and learn to look to me for comfort, but actually God was using Miles to teach me the exact same lessons.

It is impossible to trust God, impossible to believe with everything in you that He loves you, and impossible to know that God alone is all you need, if you don't know Him.  He wants a personal, intimate relationship with you.  Knowing about God is very, very different than knowing God.  Knowing the character of God.

When I 'bang my head on the floor' and insist that I know what's best for me,

God patiently sits with me, waiting with arms wide open, to comfort me, to guide me, and to love me.  He even knows when I am going to end up 'bitting' Him, and yet He pursues me anyway.

"Our God is not patiently standing by and waiting for us to offer us love; He is actively and vigorously pursuing us... He is the father running down the trail to embrace the prodigal son even before the boy can speak his act of contrition.  He is the mad farmer showering a full day's wage on men who hadn't even worked.  He is Jesus forgiving the sinful woman even before she spoke her sorrow.  He is the king lavishing a banquet on beggars.  These are all symbols of a God whose love for us is so active, so strong, that by human standards He would be, at least, said to be mad."  {Andrew Greeley}

My pursuit of Miles' heart is nothing compared to God's active pursuit of my heart.

And God's active pursuit of yours.

What part of your heart are you refusing to give God?

Is there someone you need to forgive?

Is there a habit you need to give up?

Is there an area of your life you need to let go of and trust God?

Get up off the cold, hard floor and climb into your Heavenly Father's lap.

He deeply loves you.

He desires a relationship with you.

He is faithful and you can trust Him.

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PARENTING REDEFINED

In the last couple of years,
God has completely turned my view of parenting upside down.

You see, with adoption, you have to be very intentional about the way you parent.
Right from the start, you are parenting a broken child.
For them to be in the situation to be adopted, there is hurt, loss, and pain.
And depending on their specific situation, they could be extremely fragile.

Littles that come from hard places will have a much more difficult time if you are not willing to adjust your parenting style for the purpose of attaching and healing.

Attachment may not be something you have had to think about in your parenting,
but it is something that I think about everyday.
Every. Single. Day.

Attachment simply means how my heart connects to your heart.

My desire to understand attachment started with our adoption, then we saw the benefits of it as we sought wisdom to better disciple Alex, and even our marriage counselor has taught Keith and I ways to protect our own hearts and each others hearts.  Heart connection consumes my thinking.  (Just ask my friends.)

The more I learn to parent Miles through the filter of attaching my heart to his heart, the more God reveals to me about the way He parents me.

Just as Miles came to me with hurts, sickness and a heart longing
to be loved, to be chosen, to be part of a forever family,
I come to God the exact same way.

I am a complete mess.
I am broken, selfish, sinful and in desperate need of someone to heal my hurts.
And it was God's plan all along to do just that.

"God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family

by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ.  That is what He wanted to do,

and it gave Him great pleasure."

{Ephesians 1:5}

What better person to learn how to parent an adopted child than from the One who created me, pursues me, loves me and adopted me?

I am watching God pick up all the pieces of the last several years and literally fit them together like a puzzle.  And I am overwhelmed.  He is so good!

A few months ago, I was in a meeting and the question was asked,
"Do you want to go to the Father after you've sinned? If not, why?"
God immediately connected this question with a simple correction strategy that I learned in my adoption training 5 years ago.

Dr. Karyn Purvis taught us the importance of drawing your children closer to you when they misbehave or are simply struggling.  When my kids mess up, if my first reaction is to send them away (go to your room, go sit in time-out), that could communicate that they need to leave my presence until they can behave.  But, if I draw them close so I can be near them (come sit by me, come here), I can better help them correct the behavior and they leave without feeling shame and better connected.  To think that the way I parent my boys gives them a glimpse into the character of God is amazing and heavy all at the same time.

This has me sifting all my parenting 'instincts' through scripture and really evaluating what it communicates about God's character.  God is redefining my role as a parent.  I want to parent my children the way God parents me.  

God's Word, from beginning to end, is the story of His pursuit of us and His love for us.  He has always desired to dwell with us, to have a relationship with us, to have our hearts.

My desire is that both of my boys will know that God is crazy about them, that He deeply loves them, and there is absolutely nothing they can do to keep God from pursuing their hearts.

Nothing!

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JESUS LOVE

This kid.
He amazes me.
I want to be like him when I grow up.

I'm not suppose to Blog, Facebook, Tweet or Instagram about him.
Supposedly that's embarrassing.
But his heart is too sweet not to share.

The last three years haven't been easy for any of us.
Especially him.
Having a little brother with special needs is tough stuff.
Especially when he is as violent as Miles is.

But he takes it.
He loves him.

The love that Alex has for his little brother is a love that can only come from Christ.
It is selfless and unconditional.

When we told Alex about Miles' diagnosis and explained what that might look long term, his reply shocked me.

We let him ask questions and we tried our best to answer them.
He asked if Miles will be able to live on his own on day.
"I don't know," was about the only thing we knew to say.
I told him about the waivers that we are applying for that will help provide care when Miles is older and about the different things we will make sure are in place in case we aren't around to care for him.

Alex's reply...
"He's going to live with me."

His reply didn't just shock me, it left me speechless.

Obviously, Miles' future is uncertain.
Just like Alex's.
Just like mine.

But the fact that he would, without hesitation, decide that he is willing to share Miles' burden, completely and utterly blows my mind.

That is Jesus love.
Jesus love pouring out of my almost 14 year old and filling up this mama's heart.

"Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the laws of Christ."

{Galatians 6:2}

ONE REMEMBERS, ONE CELEBRATES

Today is Miles' birthday.
Today Miles is four.
Four and still in diapers.

Is potty training in our future?

Nope.  Not yet.

Developmentally, he's just not ready.
His self-care skills are still too delayed.

I don't stress about it because, well, it is what it is.

But I get looks.
When I have to change him in a public restroom, I get the "that kid is WAY too big to be in diapers" look.  Which is completely understandable, especially since his legs are so long they actually hang off the end of those infant changing tables.

It doesn't bother me.
It's kind of true.

He does look to big to be in diapers.

And the taller he gets and the more he weighs, the more difficult changing him becomes.

And not just in public, it's hard even at home.

A couple of months ago, I was changing a nasty diaper that was completely filled from the front to the back.  You know the kind.  Well, since his core is still weak, he can't help lift his legs up, so I have to do it for him.  So, we were on the floor and I had both ankles with one hand, grabbing wipes and cleaning him with the other, and the nasty diaper off to the side.

He kicked his leg, freeing it loose from my grip, and his foot lands smack dab in the diaper.  He now has poop all over his foot, and still too much poop on his booty to be lowered down.  I grabbed his ankle and tried to clean his back off enough that I could lower him at least a little.  Miles, realizing he has something on his foot, starts rubbing both feet together.

So, now he has poop on both feet and he is still a mess.

I am starting to dry heave at this point because his feet are up by my face and I can smell it.  Like, really smell it!

I guess I had him in the air a little longer than he liked because he kicked his leg again.  Only this time, instead of his foot landing in the diaper, his poop smeared foot lands right on my face.

ON MY FACE!

Being a mom is hard.
And messy.
Real messy.

Today, as I celebrate Miles' birth, the messiness of parenting and the realness of adoption collide.  And my heart is heavy.

If you've never adopted, you might not fully understand.

With Alex,
I can tell him what it was like when I was pregnant.
I can tell him about the day he was born.
I can tell him who came to visit and how happy we were.

With Miles,
I've got nothing.
I don't know a single detail.

But that's not what weighs so heavy.
The weight comes from knowing that there is someone who does remember.
Someone who knows all of those details.
Someone who carried him for 9 months, heard his first cry, held him in her arms, and was still brave enough to make the decision to give him the chance at a different life.

I could never ever forget the day Alex was born.
I could never imagine having to make the choice that she made.
So today, I can't help but put myself in Fikirte's shoes.
And it's heavy.

Usually, the remembering is part of the celebrating.
But with adoption, she gets to remember and I get to celebrate.
And sometimes that just doesn't feel right.

Even though Miles isn't potty trained.
Even though we get 'looks'.
Even though I may get an occasional poop smeared foot to the face.
I get to be mommy to the little baby she named Misikir.

I get all the hugs.
I get all the kisses.
I get to tuck in him at night and hear him say cute words like norning (morning) and Minals (Miles) with the sweetest, softest little voice you've ever heard.

She gave me an amazing gift.
She gave life to the little boy that has forever changed my life.
I could never repay her.
I could never thank her enough.

So tonight, when I put Miles to bed, I gave him two kisses.
One kiss from the one who remembers.
One kiss from the one who celebrates.

Happy 4th Birthday, Miles Misikir.
I wouldn't want to the me before you.