“I’m tired of caring for Miles.”
I actually spoke those words out loud yesterday to our Small
Group. Keith and I have the privilege of
teaching a group of Young Married couples every Sunday morning and yesterday we
knew God wanted us to share with them what was going on in our lives. And I didn’t want to. Sharing our life and struggles with them has
never been hard, but we are tired and our lives feel extra messy. I don’t mind sharing my messy life with
people, but I prefer to do it after God works.
After God restores. After God
redeems. But God was asking us to share our
hearts in the midst of being weary and that just felt like a big ask.
“Eight years.”
These two words have been running through my head all
month. We just celebrated Miles' 8th
birthday and his birthdays always throw me into a funk. I celebrate knowing someone is remembering. I celebrate a physical age, but
developmentally, emotionally, and mentally, we are nowhere near that
number. And it’s just hard. Every year that goes by, I find myself
grieving where I thought we’d be. I read
posts from years past and realize we haven’t come as far as I thought we had or
hoped we would. But this year, it seemed
heavier. I couldn’t help but wonder if I
can do this for eight more years? And
then eight more? And eight more after
that?
“We’re caregivers.”
Keith spoke those words to me last week as I stood in the ocean
washing sand off of me. I had just
finished playing in the sand with our friends’ children and I told Keith I
forgot how fun it is to play with kids that can play back. Playing with Miles is work. Keeping Miles safe is work. Keeping others safe from Miles is work. And because he has no self-care skills and is
not potty trained, caring for his physical needs is a lot of work. The role of caregiver can be exhausting. And lonely.
“Let us not grow weary of doing good…”
God has been speaking these words over me the last month. He has been whispering them to my heart because He knows I am tired. And weary. He has been reminding me that “…in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.” But that is so hard when you are walking through something that could last the rest of your life on this earth.
“And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the
flesh…”
God is using this verse found in Galatians 5 to bring clarity to my weariness. When I say I am tired of caring for Miles,
what I actually mean is I am tired of what caring for Miles requires of
me. It requires a daily dying to
self. A daily crucifying of flesh. A daily decision to lay my life down so Jesus
can shine. Crucifixion was a slow and
painful way to die. So when we are told
to be crucified with Christ, when we are told to offer ourselves as living
sacrifices, we need to be prepared for that death to be slow and painful.
"I never want to be the me before Miles."
Those words are just as true today as the day I first spoke them. Caring for Miles is the hardest thing I've ever done and it is the greatest privilege of my life. Nothing has ever challenged me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and Eternity more than the gift of Miles who has the gift of Autism.
"So, how are you doing?"
I wish I could sit with you over a cup of coffee and ask you that question. I wonder today what has you feeling tired and weary? What has you feeling defeated? What "gift" has God given you that feels too big and too heavy? Don't give up. Don't give in. Don't lose heart. Keep your eyes and heart fixed on Jesus.
"Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The Eternal, the Everlasting God, the Creator of the whole world never gets weary or tired. His wisdom is beyond understanding. God strengthens the weary. Even young people get tired, then stumble and fall. But those who trust in the Lord will regain their strength. They will soar on wings as eagles. They will run - never winded, never weary. They will walk - never tired, never faint."
{Isaiah 40:28-31}
