Learning was never easy
for me.
Reading was always a
struggle for me.
Studying always
defeated me.
In elementary
school, I couldn’t see the board and missed most of what was going on. I
remember going to the front of the room each day after the bell rang and
frantically writing down the spelling words and the homework assignments.
I hated that I
couldn’t see.
But I thought it
was because I was a Z.
My maiden name is
Zulpo.
I was always last. Always in the back.
It sounds sad, but
I didn’t mind.
I liked that I
could hide in the back.
It was a gift to a
socially awkward introvert like me.
It wasn’t until
junior high that I realized that I needed glasses.
I just assumed the
W-X-Y and Z’s just don’t get to see.
Until my friend,
she was a T, let me try on her glasses.
I.COULD.SEE.
Missing so much
information during the early years made me hate school.
It was just so hard.
I was never on an
honor roll.
I didn’t graduate high
school with any scholarships.
And I only made it
through a semester and a half of college.
I was always
embarrassed that I didn’t get school.
It was always a
source of shame.
It’s not that I
gave up or that I didn’t try.
I even went back to
college several years later to give it another shot.
I lasted a semester.
It wasn’t for me.
I’m not even average.
I’m just me.
The problem with
learning, reading, and studying being hard is that, as Christians, we are given
a book. And not just any book. We are given the very breath of
God in written form. We are told the Bible will change us and help us. We are told it is a weapon and can protect us. We are told to study it,
memorize it, meditate on it.
But I’m me.
I didn’t understand
it.
I just didn't get it.
So many people.
Names I couldn’t
pronounce.
So many words.
Their significance
I couldn’t figure out.
I have been a
Christian for 13 years, 10 months, and 28 days.
And just like
school, I was always embarrassed that I struggled reading the Bible.
I mean, my
husband is a PREACHER! Which meant more shame for me.
But then God gave
me a gift.
Miles Misikir.
Miles’ name means
‘gift from God.'
Misikir means
‘witness or testimony.'
Isn’t that
beautiful!
God gave me a gift
that has completely changed my witness, my testimony.
But there is
another meaning.
One that we should
have taken more seriously.
The one my gift
seems destine to live up to.
The name Miles also means
‘destroyer’.
DESTROYER!!!
In just 6 short years, this gift, my gift
from God,
He has managed to destroy my
pride, my shame, and my insecurities.
He has managed to destroy any witness or testimony of who I used to be.
Little by little, God
is using the gift of Miles to destroy the old me.
It’s hard. And
painful. And worth it.
What God is putting in its place, in the place of shame, is a deep
love for His Word and a desire to understand. It is not unusual for me to sit down in the morning to spend time with Him and look up and my day is gone. He is taking the shame of being blind and giving me the gift of sight and I simply can't get enough of what I see.
The learning.
The studying.
The understanding.
It’s addicting.
When the Holy
Spirit helps me grasp a new (for me) concept,
it’s like I’m back in 7th
grade putting on those glasses for the first time.
I SEE IT!
ARE YOU KIDDING
ME?!?
HOLY SPIRT, DO YOU
KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
AND YOU’RE TAKING
THE TIME TO SHOW THIS TO ME!?!
I can’t even.
In those moments, I
imagine God, so proud and filled
with love. Jumping up and down with excitement for me as I dance around the
room with delight.
He knows I
struggle.
He knows the shame.
And little by
little, He is taking all of that away.
Before, the old me, I couldn’t see.
And now, the new
me, God redeemed so I
could SEE.
MIND.BLOWN.
Who in the world,
but God, could do that? Who, but God, could
take the very thing that brings you shame and use it to give you life?
“And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”
{Romans 8:28}
Are you like me and know the importance of spending time in
God’s Word?
Are you like me and get discouraged because you don’t
understand God’s Word?
The
space between the knowing, the struggling, and the understanding is lonely.
The
Holy Spirit wants to speak to you. God’s goal is a personal,
intimate relationship with you. Protect your heart from the effects of sin so
you can clearly hear the whisper of God in the deep places of your being.
“Search
me, O God, and know my heart;
test
me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point
out anything in me that offends you,
and
lead me along the path of everlasting life.”
{Psalm
139:23-24}
