Wednesday, October 23, 2013


I have been sharing bits and pieces of my story recently because I desperately want you to see the messiness that is my life.  I want you to see the imperfections, which is something the me before Miles would have never, ever said.  But today, that is my heart.

When God placed Miles in our family, He completely shattered my view of Him, my view of marriage, my view of parenting and my view of myself.

He gave me a gift I didn't know to ask for.
A gift I didn't even realize I desperately needed.
He broke me and shattered my pride into so many pieces it left me completely vulnerable.

What will people think if they see my weaknesses?
What will people think when they find out that I have know idea how to be Miles' mom?

I immediately started making desperate attempts to try and put myself back together.  To try and cover up all the cracks.  But nothing worked.

I found myself at a place where I had to choose.
I could stay a broken mess and force everyone around me to enter my mess anytime they tried to get close, or I could trust God with every part of my life and have faith that He could make something good and beautiful out of the rubble.

"We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything
to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him
and accept His invitation to live according to His plan."
{Romans 8:28}

I want my story to be one of Redemption, so I had to allow God to put me back together, no matter how painful or uncomfortable.  I want, more than anything, to parent my boys from a place of healing, not from a place of hurting.

When I stopped pretending I didn't have cracks, when I stopped being afraid of what you would think when you saw how broken I really was, something amazing happened.  God helped me see why it's so important to not try and fix myself.  He helped me see that the pieces I so desperately kept trying to hold together were the very pieces that were keeping Jesus from being able to shine through.

The cracks, the missing pieces, they have a purpose.

"We now have this light shinning in our hearts,
but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.
This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves."
{2 Corinthians 4:7}

I am a broken vessel.
A fragile clay jar that has been shattered.
And it has been God's most amazing gift to me.

Instead of spending all my time trying to cover and protect myself, I have spent my time reading my Bible and asking God to reveal to me His character.  Who He really is, not who I have made Him out to be.  Every time I came across a description of Him, I wrote it down.  It didn't take long to see that what I believed about God wasn't always true.

The more I learned about God's true character,
the more I learned how absolutely crazy He is about me.
The more I learned how much He loves me,
the easier it was for me to trust Him with the mess that is my life.

I went from begging God to put my life back together to begging God to please leave me broken.  There is so much beauty to be found in the brokenness.  So much freedom to be found there.

I never, ever want to be the me before Miles!

Do you mind if I ask, where are you in your journey?
Are you in the hurting, in the healing, or somewhere in between?
Are you tired of pretending you have it all together?
Are you tired of your marriage just surviving and not thriving?
Are you tired of feeling like your life doesn't even come close to everyone else's, professionally photographed, pinterest perfect, paleo eating, half-marathon running family?

"The only way... to find rest for our souls is to sit at Christ's feet and hear His Word."  -Matthew Henry

You are the only thing holding you back from living in the fullness of Christ.

"Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.  I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.  Heart-shattered lives ready for love doesn't for a moment escape God's notice."
{Psalm 51:17}

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  1. awesome words, friend. amazing, though, i don't see your cracks, or your messiness. i only see Christ's light shining SO brightly through you that it inspires change in me. always. love and hugs to your family.

  2. What a great perspective. We are all truly broken vessels. And somehow Jesus uses us. You are an inspiration. And I truly hope you write a book someday. In your precious times with Him, He is filling you up with His words.