Friday, September 27, 2013

THE DESIRE OF MY HEART

Life is a story.
A story that God is writing.
Everyone's story is different.
Different characters, different setting, different circumstances, different purpose.
Different.

Sometimes, it's tempting to wish your story was more like someone else's.
Especially if you are only reading their happy, feel-good chapters.
You know the ones.
The ones they post on social media.

Everyone's story has good and bad.
Chapters that are full of joy and blessings.
Chapters that are full of hurts and heartaches.
The toughest chapters are the ones that, while you are in the middle of them being written, you want to snatch the pen out of God's hand and help Him out a little.

The hardest chapter of my story is the one God began writing fourteen years ago.
When God started building our family, I never saw the twists and turns this chapter would take.

I had no trouble getting pregnant with Alex.
We weren't officially trying, but we had decided to, kind of, maybe, think about it.
Two weeks later -- pregnant.

After Alex was born, it was three long years before I got pregnant again.  The pregnancy ended up being ectopic and I lost the baby.  I had some complications from the internal bleeding and spent the next five months making weekly trips to the doctor to monitor my levels.  And once a week, for about 5 months, I was told I was not pregnant.  Having that spoken out loud to me week after week really messed with my head.

I was tired, discouraged and without realizing it at the time, I became very guarded.  Pain hurts.  I mean, why in the world would God give me the desire to have more children but not fulfill the desire of my heart.  The Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord.  When God is not allowing you to receive the blessing of children, it's hard not to take it personal.  It's especially hard when Satan is working overtime, whispering lies in your ear.  Satan plays dirty and will kick you when you don't have any fight left in you.

For some reason, God decided to do a little copy/paste action in this chapter.  I got pregnant again three years later and had a miscarriage.  More complications, more weekly trips to the doctor, and more being told that I am not pregnant.

I didn't know what was next for our little family of three, but I knew I never wanted to go through that again.  It was just way too hard.  I begged God to take away the desire to have more children.  Keith and I prayed the next couple of years and decided we were done.  We were done losing babies.

When God started to stir in our hearts to care for the least of these, we were more than willing.  More than willing to sponsor another child or even give financially to families who were adopting.  But God was asking us to give so much more.

He was asking us to give Him our hearts and our lives.
He was asking us to trust Him to continue writing this chapter.

We tried to ignore Him.  (I hate admitting that.)
Honestly, it felt cruel that He would make me revisit those hurts.
Nothing about it felt like love.
But, we have always said we'll go anywhere God wants us to go and do anything He wants us to do. So we said yes, trusting that He was going to change our hearts.

Over the next eighteen months, God watered and grew the seed of adoption that He planted in my heart in a way that only He can do.  It is unexplainable how you can love a child that you have never laid eyes on so much it hurts.  Without even realizing it, God was not only preparing my heart for Miles, but he was healing my heart from the journey I had to take to get to Miles.  He never took the desire away from me because our family wasn't complete.  And He knew my heart needed some serious healing to be able to walk through the next part of my journey.

When Miles finally came home, it was such an exciting time.
The baby my heart longed for was finally in my arms.  After ten years.
But after several months of being home, life with Miles started getting really challenging.

We stepped out in faith, obeyed God's call and life got harder.

The next three years would prove to be the toughest, darkest days of this fourteen year journey.  But that is where my faith was tested.  It's easy to believe God is good when life is good.  It is much harder to believe God is good when your life is falling apart.

When I finally came to the end of myself, there He was, waiting.
I have spent the last year sitting at His feet.
Learning who God is.  Learning His character.

The more I learn who God really is, the more I trust Him.
The more I empty myself out before Him, the more clearly I see Him.

The depth of God's love for me is breathtaking and I pray that I never, get over it.
The ways God has revealed Himself to me this last year makes every hurt, every heartache, every loss worth it.

When I glance back at this chapter, I realize it is less of a story of God building my family and more of God's active pursuit of my heart.  If one of the chapters in your story resembles mine, grab a hold of the One who deeply loves you.  I believe that God gives us barren times in our lives because He wants our hearts and He wants us to know His.

Has God placed a desire in your heart that you are still waiting to be fulfilled?
What are you doing with your wait?

God is ready and willing, every single day, to meet the desire of my heart.
Because all I desire is Him.

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2 comments :

  1. Jackie,

    Thank you so much for sharing how God is working in your life & family. Thank you for being real! Sometimes I feel like everyone else's adoption story is a fairy tale & ours definitely is not. I know we followed His leading & even now, 10 years later, we are still pleading every day for His direction... Maybe that's why our girl is in our life. Maybe we wouldn't depend on Him, as we should, if our lives were just the easy parts we see on everybody else's FB pages... Thanks for helping me know we are not alone. He has a plan. It is good. I need to follow Him. Love & miss you all!

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  2. Thanks Pam! You are not alone. Parenting is such hard work and parenting children who come into the family through adoption has it's own unique challenges. It was nice to hear from you! We miss all of our Georgia family!

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